Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer.""
"I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars."
"A metaphor is like a simile."
"All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes."
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
"For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram."
"I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine."
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"
"The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
"My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers."
"I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade"
"With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'"
"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking."
"Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students. "Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous."
"There was a time I was very much blaming the way I felt on L.A, that it was a vacuum of creativity, of humor or anything organic, and I was really angry at the place. But then today I feel completely different - I love L.A.!"
