"I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 45 of 192)
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"Biography lends to death a new terror."
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"My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's."
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"I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then.""
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"I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.""
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"I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed."
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"The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier."
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"Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it."
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"When will all the rhetorical questions end?"
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"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
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"If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer."
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"Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?"
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"A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections."
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"For good or evil, a line has been passed in our political history; and something that we have known all our lives is dead. I will take only one example of it: our politicians can no longer be caricatured."
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"My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed."
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"The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand."
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"A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch."
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"Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit."
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"Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action"
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"They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!"
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