"Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 46 of 192)
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"I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night."
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"The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo."
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"What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth."
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"The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the mechanism of the inimitable puppets that are going to perform. How I used to laugh at Simon Tapperwit, and the Wellers, and a host more! But I can't do it now somehow; and time, it seems to me, is the true test of humour. It must be antiseptic."
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"Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak -- like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support -- something that ought to be arrested."
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"I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather clerk's factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it..."
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"Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it."
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"I should have no compassion on these witches; I should burn them all."
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"In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits."
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"Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky."
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"The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed."
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"I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity."
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"When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home."
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"Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact."
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"Clumsy jesting is no joke."
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"A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'"
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"When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'."
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"It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies."
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"I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over."
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