"There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 47 of 192)
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"Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie."
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"I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all."
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"Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you."
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"Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures."
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"Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!"
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"Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow."
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"I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared."
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"I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!"
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"I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"
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"The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions"
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"I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic."
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"... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!"
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"Humorists always sit at the children's table."
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"'Tis a superstition to insist on a special diet. All is made at last of the same chemical atoms."
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"What is amusing now had to be taken in desperate earnest once."
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"No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot."
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"Your generosity is more important than your perfection."
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"Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?"
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"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress."
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