"My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p."
Read quote
4 likes
Humor quotes
Humor
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
Explore further
Topics related to Humor
Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
Quote collection
Humor quotes (page 52 of 192)
Follow a thought to its author, or read the full quote page.
"A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg.""
Read quote
4 likes
"Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap."
Read quote
4 likes
"I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there.""
Read quote
4 likes
"I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?""
Read quote
4 likes
"Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate."
Read quote
4 likes
"Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer."
Read quote
4 likes
"I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature"
Read quote
4 likes
"Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?"
Read quote
4 likes
"She used to be a teacher but she has no class now."
Read quote
4 likes
"If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times."
Read quote
4 likes
"People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!"
Read quote
4 likes
"If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out."
Read quote
4 likes
"Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images."
Read quote
4 likes
"I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law."
Read quote
4 likes
"A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him."
Read quote
4 likes
"Reality is a unified whole, but thought cuts it up into fragments."
Read quote
3 likes
"The blind see what they want to see."
Read quote
3 likes
"Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements."
Read quote
3 likes
"I couldn't be two faced. If I had two faces, I wouldn't wear this one."
Read quote
3 likes