"I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 51 of 192)
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"I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda"
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"I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."
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"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."
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"I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads."
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"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."
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"When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street."
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"I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control."
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"I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart."
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"This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!"
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"Sell your presence and purchase bewilderment."
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"Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!"
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"I'm single by choice. Not my choice."
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"It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends."
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"Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy"
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"This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober."
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"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?""
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"I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour."
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"I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night."
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"Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?"
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