"A truly comic, invented world must live at the same time as the world we live in."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 50 of 192)
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"Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!""
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"Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council."
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"If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!"
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"Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education."
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"I don't need a president with a bucket list!"
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"The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis."
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"The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint."
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"Dead birds don't fall out of their nests."
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"Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning."
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"To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful."
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"I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one."
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"The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews."
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"The essence of humor is sensibility; warm, tender fellow-feeling with all forms of existence."
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"Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end."
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"I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget."
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"Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?"
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"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
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"If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?"
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"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney."
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