"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 60 of 192)
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"I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add."
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"I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out."
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"I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done.""
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"I was skydiving horizontally."
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"I took a baby shower."
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"I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh...""
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"I have a fax machine with "fax waiting"."
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"I can't stop thinking like this."
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"The sky already fell. Now what?"
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"How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?"
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"I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect."
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"How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?"
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"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time."
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"I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet."
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"It's a fine night to have an evening."
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"Four years ago... no, it was yesterday."
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"I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank.""
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"I washed mud off of mud."
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"[Andrew Jackson] was actually 70 years old when he left the White House"
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