"I was an only child, eventually."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 59 of 192)
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"I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there."
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"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
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"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug."
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"If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?"
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"I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'"
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"A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!""
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"I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar."
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"Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match."
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"I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger."
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"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
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"Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing."
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"The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
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"I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends.""
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"My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me."
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"I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it."
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"I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone."
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"In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs."
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"If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?"
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"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."
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