"Please assure me that you are all Republicans."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 61 of 192)
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"I think we should keep the grain and export the farmers."
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"Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary."
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"Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet."
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"He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy."
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"The President has a wonderful sense of humor, which is one of the reasons it is so much fun to work for him."
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"[on his deathbed in a Paris hotel room] Either this wallpaper goes, or I do."
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"He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him."
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"I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink."
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"Men ought to find the difference between saltiness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of others' memory."
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"He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper."
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"Men's happiness and misery depends altogether as much upon their own humor as it does upon fortune."
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"The whimsicalness of our own humor is a thousand times more fickle and unaccountable than what we blame so much in fortune."
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"The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid."
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"A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen.""
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"I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers."
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"My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'"
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"I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot."
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"She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across."
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"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
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