"You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you?"
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Humorous quotes
Humorous
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Humorous quotes (page 32 of 81)
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"As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine."
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"She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang."
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"I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)"
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"The telephone is the greatest single enemy of scholarship; for what our intellectual forebears used to inscribe in ink now goes once over a wire into permanent oblivion."
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"You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet."
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"I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them."
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"He hadn’t a single redeeming vice."
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"The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous."
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"My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately"
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"Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!""
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"Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.""
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"They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport."
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"You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!"
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"I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars."
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"The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch."
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"A pear is a failed apple."
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"An art thief is a man who takes pictures."
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"I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so."
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"And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good."
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