"He's so fat, he can be his own running mate."
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Quote collection
Johnny Carson quotes (page 5 of 8)
142 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me."
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"I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals."
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"I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce."
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"I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken."
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"Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle."
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"Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods."
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"Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'."
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"Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower."
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"I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh."
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"As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner."
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"I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over."
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"I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles."
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"Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian."
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"The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars."
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"We're more effective than birth control pills."
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"People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell."
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"It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. I'm concerned about values - moral, ethical, human values - my own, other people's, the country's, the world's values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter."
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"Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat."
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"Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter."
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