“A messy house is a must - it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 103 of 1263
“We're crazy about this city. Los Angeles? That's just a big parking lot where you buy a hamburger for the trip to San Francisco.”
“Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.”
“I like comedy as a group sport.”
“I like to do weird things in the shower, like drink my coffee, brush my teeth and drink a smoothie. It's good time management.”
“And yes, we do have some food. Maybe you'd like to join us? Unless you want to stick with your sheep sushi.”
“It's just the easiest way to score a point.”
“'You hate America, don't you?' 'That would be as silly as loving it,' I said. 'It's impossible for me to get emotional about it, because real estate doesn't interest me. It's no doubt a great flaw in my personality, but I can't think in terms of boundaries. Those imaginary lines are as unreal to me as elves and pixies. I can't believe that they mark the end or the beginning of anything of real concern to a human soul. Virtues and vices, pleasures and pains cross boundaries at will.'”
“Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us.”
“One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times, was the reply." "Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."”
“Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother”
“There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.”
“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.”
“Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of whiskey”
“It's not a bad idea to occasionally spend a little time thinking about things you take for granted. Plain everyday things.”
“Ignorance is bliss. I wish I still had some.”
“Pre-heat the oven? Really? If I was the sort of person who planned ahead, I wouldn't be eating this Totino's Party Pizza in the first place.”
“This boy turkied my Thanksgiving, but I won't let him Grinch my Christmas. -Dean Hughes (Midway to Heaven)”
“I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.”
“It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.”