“Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 153 of 1263
“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.”
“I never killed a guy who didn't deserve it.”
“It may cost me twenty thousand francs; but for twenty thousand francs, I will have the right to rail against the iniquity of humanity, and to devote to it my eternal hatred.”
“Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?”
“Flying makes me feel like a sex maniac in a whorehouse with a stack of $20 bills.”
“I have seen many a man turn his gold into smoke, but you are the first who has turned smoke into gold.”
“A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.”
“It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.”
“A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.”
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
“Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.”
“Sometimes you just can't get rid of a bomb!”
“Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few.”
“Poverty wants some things, Luxury many things, Avarice all things”
“A little neglect may breed great mischief.”
“People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.”
“People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know, I’m never there.”
“Life's too short to drink bad wine or smoke poor cigars.”
“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.”