“My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 155 of 1263
“Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.”
“at least nine-tenths of all the original reality ever created lies outside the multiverse, and since the multiverse by definition includes absolutely everything that is anything, this puts a bit of a strain on things. Outside the boundaries of the universe lie the raw realities, the could-have-beens, the might-bes, the never-weres, the wild ideas, all being created and uncreated chaotically like elements in fermenting supernovas. Just occasionally where the walls of the worlds have worn a bit thin, they can leak in.”
“Laughter is the cipher key wherewith we decipher the whole man”
“Oh, I'm not a percussionist, I just like to hit things.”
“I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.”
“It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.”
“Make up your mind, Snail! You are half inside your house, And halfway out!”
“Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.”
“I make faces for cash and chicken.”
“I may have been born yesterday, but I stayed up all night.”
“Evolution isn't true, because if we evolved from monkeys, how can they still be here?”
“A tragedy is a tragedy, and at the bottom, all tragedies are stupid. Give me a choice and I'll take A Midsummer Night's Dream over Hamlet every time. Any fool with steady hands and a working set of lungs can build up a house of cards and then blow it down, but it takes a genius to make people laugh.”
“Busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.”
“Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.”
“People say that I'm a tree hugger, but I do a lot more than hug trees. I like having my drinking water without faecal matter, that's really nice. Or acceptable levels of strychnine. I'm an air breather, I've gotten used to that over the years.”
“Kid, if You Need Booze or Drugs to Enjoy Your Life to the Fullest, You're Doing It Wrong.”
“As soon as someone like me or David Lynch pops up everyone says hallelujah, how weird.”
“When your arms are bigger than your head, something is wrong.”
“Consciousness: That annoying time between naps”