“I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 167 of 1263
“When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.”
“I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.”
“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”
“I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.”
“Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.”
“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.”
“The most difficult instrument to play in the orchestra is second fiddle.”
“We're a bit flashy, but the music's not one big noise.”
“Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin.”
“Joy, temperance, and repose, slam the door on the doctor's nose.”
“What is the difference between someone who is convinced and one who is deceived? None, if he is well deceived.”
“Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.”
“A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.”
“The Church worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One doesn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Who discovered that there was no such thing as a witch - the priest, the parson? No, these never discover anything.”
“Our culture seems to believe that it's entertaining to teach women to be frightened.”
“Money is like hormones. It's just how you feel on any given day.”
“Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.”
“Few things in this world are more predictable than the reaction of conventional minds to unconventional ideas.”
“Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.”