“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 169 of 1263
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.”
“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.”
“Dying's tough - but not as tough as comedy.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.”
“The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.”
“If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.”
“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”
“(Scottish Terriers) have all the compactness of a small dog and all the valor of a big one. And they are so exceedingly sturdy that it is proverbial that the only thing fatal to them is being run over by an automobile - in which case the car itself knows it has been in a fight.”
“I wouldn't touch a superlative again with an umbrella.”
“Moths, and all sorts of ugly creatures, hover about a lighted candle. Can the candle help it?”
“You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.”
“Color is my day-long obsession, joy and torment.”
“Now: heaven knows, anything goes.”
“From the start it has been the theatre's business to entertain people ... it needs no other passport than fun.”
“I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'”
“Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!”
“There's no damn business like show business - you have to smile to keep from throwing up.”
“Rock music sounds like an octopus making love to a bagpipe.”
“When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock. So I stopped wearing socks.”