“The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 228 of 1263
“You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.”
“Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'”
“I have never written anything in one draft, not even a grocery list, although I have heard from friends that this is actually possible.”
“Listen to my story and everything will come out true”
“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”
“Does the e-mail say it's about 'enlargement' - that might be spam.”
“People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?”
“What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?”
“A cat's meow and cow's moo, I can recite them all.”
“I dont see why people are so snooty about Channel Five. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects”
“There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge.”
“I'm not a person for sitting on beaches. What would I do?”
“The happiness that is derived from excitement is like a brilliant fire- soon it will go out.”
“Every time my TweetDeck shoots a new tweet to my desktop, I experience a little dopamine spritz that takes me away from... from... wait, what was I saying?”
“I'm sure you're very nice, but you'd be even nicer if you went away.”
“She makes use of the soft of the bread for a napkin. She falls asleep at times with shoes on, on unmade beds. When a little money comes in, June buys delicacies, strawberries in the winter, caviar and bath salts.”
“I wake up every morning. I open my eyes and think: here we go again.”
“Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery. People are working every minute. The machinery is always going. Even when you sleep.”
“Don't try to rush things: for the cup to run over, it must first be filled.”