“Jazz was born out of the whiskey bottle, was raised on marijiana, and will expire on cocaine.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 229 of 1263
“I'm the person who wouldn't send back my food even if I got steak when I'd ordered fish.”
“Lunatics have no age. If we were crazy, you and I, we might be a great deal younger.”
“I have to laugh internally when I'm asked in interviews what nightspots I like to hit. I just don't have answers... so sometimes I make them up.”
“Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.”
“Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.”
“Exit, pursued by a bear.”
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
“If you play more than two chords, you're showing off.”
“Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.”
“I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.”
“Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?”
“Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.”
“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
“Sometimes you say things with a smile with the precise intention of making it clear that you are not being serious, and are only kidding. If I salute a friend with a smile and say, "How are you, you old scoundrel!" clearly I don't really mean he's a scoundrel.”
“The menopause is probably the least glamorous topic imaginable; and this is interesting, because it is one of the very few topics to which cling some shreds and remnants of taboo. A serious mention of menopause is usually met with uneasy silence; a sneering reference to it is usually met with relieved sniggers. Both the silence and the sniggering are pretty sure indications of taboo.”
“It will do you no harm to find yourself ridiculous. Resign yourself to be the fool you are... ...We must always take risks. That is our destiny.”
“If I was a Jewish girl in Hitler's day, I would become his girlfriend. After ten days in bed, he would come to my way of thinking.”
“From Bard, to Bard, the frigid Caution crept, Till Declamation roar'd, while Passion slept.”
“Were it not for imagination a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as of a duchess.”