“Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 236 of 1263
“The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”
“We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.”
“The convention missionaries call "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anybody's whim - anybody's diseased caprice.”
“Would people applaud me if I was a good plumber?”
“The most repulsive thing you could ever imagine is the inside of a camel's mouth. That and watching a girl eat octopus or squid.”
“An actor is at most a poet and at least an entertainer.”
“I don't know what people expect when they meet me. They seem to be afraid that I'm going to piss in the potted palm and slap them on the ass.”
“Do as the beautiful woman: see to your figure and your petticoats. Though, of course, I am not speaking literally.”
“There are mornings when all men experience with fatigue a flush of tenderness that makes them horny.”
“Whistle through your teeth and spit cuz, it's Alright”
“Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.”
“He couldn't put on a coaching session to save his life. I've spoken to people about him and he can barely lay out cones.”
“There are three things in life which are real: God, human folly and laughter. Since the first two are beyond our comprehension, we must do what we can with the third.”
“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
“Hank, when people call people nerds mostly what they're saying is,'You like stuff'.”
“You can manicure a cat but can you caticure a man?”
“What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?”
“Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.”
“Don't do anything that isn't play”