“I was brought up with psychics and tarot cards. My mum was always told I was going to be in a boy band and be famous as a singer.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 234 of 1263
“I don't know karate, but I know crazy.”
“Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages. He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.”
“Gentle Jesus, meek and mild' is a snivelling modern invention, with no warrant in the gospels.”
“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
“Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?”
“Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.”
“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”
“I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.”
“When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.”
“The English are not happy unless they are miserable, the Irish are not at peace unless they are at war, and the Scots are not at home unless they are abroad.”
“Generally speaking, I'm much more in favour of penises entering vaginas than axes entering skulls. But the world seems to accept the violence a lot easier than the sex.”
“Every man should have laws of his own, I should think; commandments of his own, for every man has a different set of circumstances wherein to work - or worry.”
“I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he thought he did.”
“Very few great goals actually go in.”
“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”
“The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
“Writing is a deeper sleep than death. Just as one wouldn't pull a corpse from its grave, I can't be dragged from my desk at night.”
“I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.”