“In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 35 of 1263
“Longbottom, if brains were gold, you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something.”
“I want minimum information given with maximum politeness.”
“I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.”
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
“But you can't show some far off idyllic conception of behavior if you want the kids to come and see the picture. You've got to show what it's really like, and try to reach them on their own grounds.”
“Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse.”
“Comparison is the death of joy.”
“Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.”
“Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.”
“Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.”
“I am a world expert on how to organise tasks in a senseless order, totally unrelated to priority, and thus create a massive panic leading up to an important deadline.”
“Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets.”
“The true terrorists of our world do not meet at the docks at midnight, or scream "Allahu Akbar" before some violent action. The true terrorists of our world wear 5000 dollar suits and work in the highest positions of finance, government and business.”
“Hold on with a bulldog grip, and chew and choke as much as possible.”
“The act of bell ringing is symbolic of all proselytizing religions. It implies the pointless interference with the quiet of other people.”
“You eventually get used to looking at girls picking their leotards out of their bums and that sort of stuff.”
“An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.”
“Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.”
“An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger.”