“A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 34 of 1263
“Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory cannot make it acceptable.”
“If I fail, the film industry writes me off as another statistic. If I succeed, they pay me a million bucks to fly out to Hollywood and fart.”
“The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum.”
“I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy; Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.”
“I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too.”
“Europe's the mayonnaise all right, but America supplies the good old lobster.”
“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
“I'm on a seafood diet - I see food, I eat it.”
“Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.”
“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
“Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.”
“Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.”
“I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as of being decapitated by a frisbee or of finding Elvis.”
“Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.”
“You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it.”
“My boy! Smoking is one of the greatest and cheapest enjoyments in life, and if you decide in advance not to smoke, i can only feel sorry for you.”
“One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.”
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”