“Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I'm on a horse.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 40 of 1263
“Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?”
“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”
“Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.”
“I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real.”
“Knowledge is pain that's why it hurts to know.”
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
“Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.”
“I finally had my prostate checked. And I was super-thankful that I taught my asshole to whistle before the doctor stuck his finger in there. The look on his face was priceless.”
“Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”
“We worship perfection because we can't have it; if we had it, we would reject it. Perfection is inhuman, because humanity is imperfect.”
“Boredom: the desire for desires.”
“So avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won't do in your essays. What you do today is important, because you are sacrificing a day of your life for it. Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
“The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'”
“Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.”
“One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.”
“Don't join the book burners!”
“Its so real out here right now, the only reason why you see anything is cuz I got the flash on.”