“My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 50 of 1263
“"Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a diseased mind."”
“Gnomes live ten times faster than humans. They're harder to see than a high-speed mouse. That's one reason why most humans hardly ever see them. The other is that humans are very good at not seeing things they know aren't there. And, since sensible humans know that there are no such things as people four inches high, a gnome who doesn't want to be seen probably won't be seen... Wings.”
“In war, as in prostitution, amateurs are often better than professionals.”
“People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.”
“Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.”
“Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals believe them.”
“By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
“The media want to maintain their intimate relation to state power. They want to get leaks, they want to get invited to the press conferences. They want to rub shoulders with the Secretary of State, all that kind of business. To do that, you've got to play the game, and playing the game means telling their lies, serving as their disinformation apparatus.”
“What's the point of being better than someone else?”
“A little flattery will support a man through great fatigue.”
“No good fish goes anywhere without a porpoise.”
“Let me hear the music. I'ma let the music instruct me on which way to go. Forwards, backwards, left, right. It's like boxing. I'm only as strong as my opponent.”
“Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”
“It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”
“Now I must give one smirk and then we may be rational again”
“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
“The greatest felony in the news business today is to be behind, or to miss a big story. So speed and quantity substitute for thoroughness and quality, for accuracy and context.”
“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”