“Here is a new spiritual practice for you: don't take your thoughts too seriously.”
Funny feeling
Funny Quotes — page 87 of 1263
“If English is spoken in heaven. God undoubtedly employs Cranmer as his speechwriter. The angels of the lesser ministries probably use the language of the New English Bible and the Alternative Service Book for internal memos.”
“I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.”
“The lowest form of popular culture - lack of information, misinformation, disinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people's lives - has overrun real journalism.”
“Christianity supplies a Hell for the people who disagree with you and a Heaven for your friends.”
“Night life is when everybody says what the hell and you do not remember who paid the bill.”
“I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and changed the bulb. When I got off the bed he said: 'That's the best acting you've ever done.”
“Hey hey hey, smoke weed everyday”
“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”
“It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!”
“Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful.”
“The two greatest mannequins of the century were Gertrude Stein and Edith Sitwell - unquestionably. You just couldn't take a bad picture of those two old girls”
“Only in America could a Don King happen.”
“The Encyclopedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun to Be With. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing devision of the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.”
“May the flop be with you.”
“Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.”
“People understand contests. You take a bunch of kids throwing rocks at random and people look askance, but if you go and hold a rock-throwing contest - people understand that.”
“The secret to a happy marriage? Do whatever your wife tells you. 'Yes, dear.' And breathe.”
“England a fortune-telling host, As num'rous as the stars, could boast; Matrons, who toss the cup, and see The grounds of Fate in grounds of tea.”
“A sceptic finds Dallas absurd. A cynic thinks the public doesn't”