"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 3 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
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"How come abbreviated is such a long word?"
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"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
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"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
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"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."
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"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him."
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"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."
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"They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right."
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"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."
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"Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?"
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"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
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"Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out."
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"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."
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"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat"
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"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
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"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."
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"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
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"always remember your unique, just like everone else"
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"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
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