"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 2 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
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"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
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"Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it."
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"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
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"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
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"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
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"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
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"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
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"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
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"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
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"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
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"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?"
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"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
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"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
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"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
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"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
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