Quote collection
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<"
"I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg."
"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"
"What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?"
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
"I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better."
"I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot."
"I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it."
"Smoking cures weight problems, eventually."
"In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
"Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world."
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."
"It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear."
"I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise."
"After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?"
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell"
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?"