"What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 8 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
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"My socks DO match. They're the same thickness."
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"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?"
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"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."
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"I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
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"I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"."
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"Hermits have no peer pressure."
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"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
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"I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start."
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"What a nice night for an evening."
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"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
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"I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be."
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"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
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"I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
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"If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?"
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"My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'"
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