"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 9 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
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"I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ."
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"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
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"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
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"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
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"I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am."
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"I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing."
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"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
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"I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now."
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"I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house."
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"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
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"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
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"Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?""
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"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."
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"I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it."
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"Sometimes I... No, I don't."
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"I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property."
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"I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes.""
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"When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel."
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