Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Comedian

Steven Wright is a stand-up comedian and actor known for his deadpan delivery and surreal humor, particularly in his unique one-liners.

Funny Humor People Thinking Life Night
Born
December 6, 1955
Quotes
529
Rank
#4650

Quote collection

Steven Wright quotes (page 12 of 27)

529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.

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"Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?"

Funny Humor People
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Steven Wright Comedian
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"Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?"

Funny Humor Five
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Steven Wright Comedian
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"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it."

Funny Humor Bird
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"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."

Funny Friendship Taken
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"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

Funny Dog Silly
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"Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'"

Wish Bed Lasts
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"Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

Honor Mind Parks
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"I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4."

Kids Eye Black And White
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"For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]"

Running Justice Car
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"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

Reflection Mirrors Hair
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"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

Funny Humor Fog
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"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

Funny Humor Swim
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"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."

Funny Humor Swear
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"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

Funny Humor Power
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