"Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 11 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."
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"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."
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"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."
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"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen."
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"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."
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"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"
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"I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus."
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"Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?"
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"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'"
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"Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?"
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"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
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"Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?"
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"Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests."
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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
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"While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?""
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"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
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"I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."
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"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
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"Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?"
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