"The speed of time is one second per second."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 15 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?"
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"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
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"Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!"
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"Whatever happened to preparations A through G?"
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"Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?"
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"Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?"
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"You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time."
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"The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""
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"Do fish get cramps after eating?"
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"Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?"
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"I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded.""
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"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
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"The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
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"I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same."
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"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour."
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"When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?"
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"Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?"
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"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them."
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"A fool and his money are soon partying."
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