"Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 16 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years."
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"My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper."
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"My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs."
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"Half the people you know are below average."
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"Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?"
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"Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?"
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"Clones are people two."
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"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor."
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"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
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"How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?"
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"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
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"My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time."
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"Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait.""
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"I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about."
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"Is it possible to be totally partial?"
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"The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me."
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"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."
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"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
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"Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?"
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