"Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 13 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger."
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"Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?"
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"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."
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"Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right."
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"I had amnesia once or twice."
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"My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year."
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"I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops"
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"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
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"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
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"Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?"
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"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."
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"I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up."
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"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
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"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real.""
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"How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?"
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"Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?"
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"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?"
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"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
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"What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?"
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