"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 14 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
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"Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business."
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"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
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"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge."
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"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
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"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire."
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"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
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"The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had."
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"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
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"Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see."
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"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
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"When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre."
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"If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts."
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"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
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"To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is."
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"[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"
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"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
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"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread."
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"My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it."
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