"If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 6 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
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"My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments."
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"Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!"
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"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
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"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
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"Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?"
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"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
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"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps"
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"I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there."
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"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving."
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"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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"Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."
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"In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence."
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"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
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"I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."
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"Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears."
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"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats."
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"It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."
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