"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have."
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 5 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans."
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"One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read""
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"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?"
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"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
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"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
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"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
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"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."
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"I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere."
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"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
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"Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?"
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"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
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"Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?"
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"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life."
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"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far."
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"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
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"Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero."
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"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
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"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'"
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"I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me."
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