"Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds."
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Quote collection
Dennis Miller quotes (page 9 of 13)
244 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was."
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"Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us."
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"South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!"
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"When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell."
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"I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you."
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"Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars."
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"I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right."
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"Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home."
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"I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless."
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"The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle."
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"I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer."
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"I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped."
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"Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"
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"The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."
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"I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."
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"I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person."
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"Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."
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"The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God."
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"Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight."
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