"Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place."
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Dennis Miller quotes (page 7 of 13)
244 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package."
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"It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film."
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"I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz."
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"I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day."
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"To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube."
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"Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger."
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"Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer."
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"We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra."
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"I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to."
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"There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference."
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"We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being."
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"That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong."
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"The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?""
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"When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat."
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"The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on."
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"America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school."
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"Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth."
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"The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep."
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"Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch."
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