"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
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Quote collection
Erma Bombeck quotes (page 5 of 17)
334 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden."
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"Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase."
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"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
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"Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable."
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"Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed."
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"the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in."
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"Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing."
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"He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures... but he was never in them."
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"Success is outliving your failures"
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"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."
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"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?"
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"If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair."
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"I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes."
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"It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture."
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"When humor go's, there go's civilization."
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"I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out."
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"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."
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"Housework can kill you if done right."
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"It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line."
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