"I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 40 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup."
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"Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being."
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"Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity."
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"Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions."
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"I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius."
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"Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement."
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"My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words."
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"Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming."
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"I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try."
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"I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'"
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"I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore."
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"Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself."
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"I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me."
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"You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead."
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"Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have."
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"Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!"
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"A cat will blink when struck with a hammer."
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"You never see a smiling runner."
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"I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him."
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