"Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help."
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Quote collection
George Carlin quotes (page 9 of 49)
976 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse."
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"War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been."
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"Life is a near-death experience."
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"Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?"
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"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
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"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
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"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"
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"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"
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"I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat !"
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"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
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"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?"
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"I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening."
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"Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell."
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"There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!"
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"They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on."
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"The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder."
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"The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live."
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"If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else."
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"These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people."
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