"Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?"
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Quote collection
Groucho Marx quotes (page 16 of 16)
319 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid."
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"You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer."
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"Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast."
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"Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses."
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"Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.""
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"I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book."
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"You're only as young as the woman you feel."
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"Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house."
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"Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement."
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"Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere."
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"I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's."
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"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
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"Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?"
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"I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip"
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"He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell his size, with the result that frequently he'd make a pair of pants with one trouser leg seven or eight inches longer than the other."
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"Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books."
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"I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin."
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"Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy."
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