Quote collection
319 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection."
"A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them."
"You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way"
"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
"If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong."
"Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old."
"Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills."
"Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns"
"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it"
"Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going."
"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."