"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"
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Hilarious quotes
Hilarious
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Hilarious quotes (page 2 of 12)
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"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
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"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."
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"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
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"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
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"I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone."
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"Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness."
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"Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20."
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"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
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"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."
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"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate."
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"If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize."
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"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
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"I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."
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"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer."
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"Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three."
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"I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone."
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
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"The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off."
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"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires."
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