"The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful."
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Humor quotes
Humor
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Humor quotes (page 26 of 192)
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"Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals."
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"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them."
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"The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble."
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"I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'"
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"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car."
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"Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it."
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"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."
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"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."
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"And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else."
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"My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark."
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"I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day."
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"I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul"
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"The secret to humor is surprise."
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"Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion."
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"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."
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"The only thing I use my body for is to carry my brain around."
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"Thirty millions, mostly fools."
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"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
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"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'"
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