Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?"
"Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?"
"While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?""
"From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!"
"Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?"
"An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's.""
"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"
"What year did Jesus think it was?"
"When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit."
"A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself."
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
"Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great."
"A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it."
"So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I am afraid, far more widely distributed. But it has its value, I think. The hard and sordid things of life are too hard and too sordid and too cruel for us to know and touch them year after year without some mitigating influence, some kindly veil to draw over them, from time to time, to blur the craggy outlines, and make the thorns less sharp and the cruelties less malignant."
"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."
"Men forget everything; women remember everything."
"Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching."
"I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me."
"You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous."
"If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
