Humor quotes
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
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Browse quotes that often appear alongside humor — connected by shared ideas and recurring themes.
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"I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit."
"My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off."
"I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window."
"I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you.""
"I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it."
"If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you."
"The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known."
"in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you"
"Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously."
"The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything."
"Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money."
"The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey."
"Marriage is the death of hope."
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
"The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head."
"I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror."
"Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?"
"Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?"
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it."
"Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?"
